Jul 11, 20237 min read

'Accidentally Brave' by Maddie Corman

Guest Blogger: Annie Hope

Maddie Corman is an American actress and writer. She has appeared in over 25 films, including Seven Minutes in Heaven, Some Kind of Wonderful, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane and A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.

Maddie wrote Accidentally Brave after her family experienced the fallout of 'the knock' following her husband's secret porn addiction which led to him offending online. Maddie didn't know where to turn as her life fell to pieces. She was powerless and watched in despair as her private life became public property, and life as she knew it was shattered.

Miraculously, in the midst of her grief and despair, 'an angel' showed up. After the first round of media exposure of her husband's case, someone very well-known and in the public eye (who will remain anon) got a message through to Maddie to make contact with them. This person supported, guided and helped Maddie through the awful trauma, with the full understanding of what she was experiencing. They gave the promise of a brighter future.

Maddie wanted so badly to repay this angel, and yet all they asked for was that Maddie would help someone else in the same way.

Hence Accidentally Brave was born and an incredibly powerful message of strength and hope was sent out into the world.

'My own messy truth. Maybe it will help someone whose life got turned upside down when she or he least expected it.'

Maddie's work is a nonfiction monologue, performed as a one-woman theatre show, detailing her family's experience of the fallout of this awful life-changing event. Maddie's performance is powerful, evocative and heartfelt.

I first discovered Accidentally Brave two years ago, a year after my own family had experienced the knock. My relationship did not survive the fallout, but Maddie's story is proof that many do (it is said to be more than 50% ). So, we can see, it's possible for a marriage to survive the knock. The survival of a relationship is a story that we hear often in this community, and yet, sadly, one that is rarely heard or understood by the general public.

I was elated to have found this work by Maddie, because there was nothing else quite like it. To hear someone with lived experience talking openly about something I felt so ashamed about was incredible.

It is vital that we see our experiences represented in Art and Literature, and I have written in a previous post about the importance of such representation.

Through Accidentally Brave Maddie has crafted something meaningful from her own trauma. And to be honest, it's a huge relief to know that this experience has been given a prominent public platform - the play was performed Off-Broadway in 2019 and continues to provide hope and inspiration to many people around the world.

On discovery of the existence of Maddie's courageous work, I shared links on all of the online forums that I was a member of, urging our community to check it out. I shared it with everyone I was personally in touch with too. Accidentally Brave brought comfort to people in our community who listened to it and related to so many of its themes.

At the time, though, I started but couldn't finish listening to the work. It was way too raw. I was too traumatized. The knock had happened just one year before and I was still processing so much.

The fact the work was a hard listen is testament to just how close to home Maddie's powerful storytelling hits. Her words could be my words could be someone else's words. They are words I've heard often- all too often, having spent three years immersed in this world, helping others through their pain as they helped me through mine.

Perhaps a sign of how far I have progressed along the path to healing is that I am now able to listen to Maddie's work in full, and to find comfort in its message of hope, rather than being triggered back into my own trauma.

I don't know you

Maddie captures the discombobulating feeling of being in a room with a loved one after their offending has been revealed.

'I am looking at the man I have been with for 20 years... with whom I have 3 children... and... who is the most reliable guy I know and saves for our future....

and he's pale and I don't recognize him and I want this to be a big misunderstanding and a mistake...'

The subsequent questions that come to mind are articulated so well.

'My husband gets into my car and I look at him and he looks away...

And how old?

And did you ever touch anyone?

And I throw up.

We drive home in silence.'

Maddie addresses some of the misconceptions that spouses encounter in the fallout of their loved one's offending, and how they are often cast as stereotypes, which simply bear no resemblance to reality.

'Oh, I also want to say...I did not have a terrible marriage. I was not some Stepford wife...popping pills and longing for someone to rescue me.'

Maddie feels some relief when her husband understands the scope of what has been wrought upon her, the damage that has been done to their own family as well as to others.

'It's like I ran over you in a cement truck and then I back up and run over you again and when the ambulance arrives I get in and drive away leaving you there on the ground.'

Impact on Children

Another theme is the impact of all of this on Maddie's children. From the moment of her daughter screaming that the police are here taking Daddy's computer, to the children being collected in the midst of the storm by Maddie's brother, to them missing their father deeply, Maddie is acutely aware of the effects on her 'super-traumatized kids'.

We know in reality that the impact of the trauma of the knock on children is sadly only just beginning to be discussed. And yet, as parents we can see very clearly that our children are being sidelined and traumatized by statutory processes.

We also hear how Maddie's kids remind her of wedding vows when it looks as though Maddie doesn't feel able to visit her husband in rehab (for porn addiction). Her children emphasize how much they would like for Maddie to support their dad, who they love and miss dearly.

'This will never be OK and it will never be over but my kids love their dad and so do I.'

Maddie's children are forced to move away from the family home, as they relocate as a family to a new area, leaving behind everything they know. Again, sadly not an unfamiliar story to members of our community.

'We have to sell our house - the only home my kids have ever known.'

Anger

'...your husband...feels like a stranger and you worry he may kill himself- if you don't kill him first.'

Maddie addresses the 'Big Rage' which can be triggered at any point in the fallout of the knock. One such moment for Maddie was having to write a letter to the judge to explain why her husband should be allowed to come home and live in the family home with her and their children.

We share with Maddie the many times that she falls to pieces, how she no longer recognises herself, and ends up in a crying heap making 'sounds that don't even sound human' as she is forced to endure the fallout of her husband's offending.

Media

When Maddie talks about the overwhelming impact of media coverage, she really captures the horror. A feeling completely understood by those who have had to live through it.

Maddie and her husband are in the public eye, therefore their family were subjected to extensive media interest at the point of arrest, as well as post-sentencing.

'If your life blows up and you are not super famous but you're well known-ish the presss will show up at your house on the front porch.'

'It's everywhere. Every newspaper local and national. Every website. Every TV station.'

'And so the world...our community...our extended family...all find this out. Just moments after our kids find out'

for those listening to Accidentally Brave whose family members were livestreamed by vigilantes, this is so relatable because the media impact is instant; the 'action' is splashed over social media for the glory and delight of others. Vigilantes want likes and shares for their own glory. The media want to induce outrage to generate clicks from the public and money from advertisers.

Collateral Damage

After media fallout comes the 'Google' effect. Something else that family members are forced to contend with. It's not so much yesterday's chip wrappers as it used to be in the pre-internet days because articles may remain online indefinitely.

Maddie suffers the impact of her husband's offending as her reputation is tarnished, by default.

'If I google myself...my husband's mugshot pops up.'

Following such a public hanging, when most of us want to disappear and hide from the world, Maddie finds herself being contacted relentlessly.

'When the story hit the papers I was contacted by every person I ever met. That sounds nice? (it isn't).

Maddie is unable to go out into the community and take part in her usual activities, such as yoga class, because her presence now makes people uncomfortable, so she stays home.

And of course, many of us can relate to the comments that we have to endure. The questions that we are expected to answer. Maddie deals deftly with this issue, including a verbal 'FAQ' section within the body of her work, with the list beginning with that gem of a question 1) 'Did you know?'

I am Not OK

The theme of hiding our feelings, putting on a brave face to the world is addressed so well. 'I am not OK' really sums up how we feel after the trauma of the knock, when our lives are turned upside down and we no longer know who we can trust and who has our best interests at heart. It's also an important reminder to check in with those experiencing the fallout.

Trauma can elicit a fawn response:

*Fawning is a trauma response that uses people-pleasing behavior to appease or supplicate an aggressor, avoid conflict, and ensure safety. This trauma response is exceedingly common, especially in complex trauma survivors, and often gets overlooked.

Sometimes family members may not be keen to let various agencies know the extent they are struggling for fear of further scrutiny. Poor mental health can be and often is used against parents with social care involvement.

'Do not believe people are ok by the tone of their texts. I was a full on wreck.'

Hope

Through Accidentally Brave, Maddie offers hope for the future.

There are, believe it or not, many positives that can be taken from the devastation of the knock. For example, her family members each have a new openness around emotions. Her husband understands the impact of his actions and worked on himself in therapy to overcome his addiction. The family are able to live together again, and must strive to overcome the challenge of finding a new normal as changed people. The trauma is indeed life-altering, but there is a way forward.

'Be fierce...you are doing great.'

Maddie's parting advice really strikes a chord, especially her 'placard slogan'. I won't give it away, please do go and listen. Accidentally Brave is stunningly accurate, heartbreaking and heartwarming account of life falling to pieces, and how we can begin to find hope again.

Accidentally Brave is available to download on Audible