And so it continues…..

It had now been 1 year and 18 days since the knock but felt more like an eternity. A prison sentence in itself but we had the real one to go through today.

Neither of us slept much the night before. We sat on our ends of the sofa not saying a word. The tv was on but none of us were actually watching. It was just there as a prop to fill the room with sound to break the mind numbing silence.

I would occasionally look over in his direction and could see tears rolling down his face. He was scared. I should have and normally would have rushed over to comfort and console but tonight I just couldn’t. After all this was HIS doing. His self-gratification was the reason we were living through this nightmare.

I ashamed to admit it but I think I may have smiled within when I saw the fear and tears. I couldn’t believe that even after over a year the bitterness was still there but justified it with the fact that since I attended the Talking Forward peer support group I hadn’t bought up the subject of other women he met via online chatting and I don’t burst into tears at every given moment. That for me is a monumental achievement. Ok, let me be honest. I actually enjoyed watching him be scared and crying. This is how I’ve felt and it’s been my world for the last 12 months plus. Now, it was his turn. After all, he caused it. As you can tell, I may not be crying anymore but I’m still very angry and bitter.

That night I went to bed thinking; tomorrow my world will change again. We didn’t need to rely on an alarm anymore but we set it just in case. We haven’t needed one for the last 12 months. I was always a terrible riser but now I wake up by the sound of a car driving by. Every cloud.....

On our drive to the Crown court I didn’t look at the satnav. I hate the thing because it confuses me. I looked at the buildings and road signs so I could familiarise myself in case I had to make my way home, alone. The walk to the court was scary. It felt like there was a huge red arrow hovering over our heads pointing down telling people we are appearing at Crown Court today on unspeakable charges (chat with decoy posing as a 13 yr old. 3 chats over the space of 7 days).

There wasn’t any media in the waiting area but we suspected every person that walk in. Is he/she from the press? Should we be sat together? Will his name and face be made public? The anxiety was unbearable. He handed me his watch and wallet without saying a word but I knew why and what he was thinking.

We were the first to arrive. When going through security the lady asked the purpose for our visit. I leaned forward and almost whispered we were attending court. I was so ashamed and had hoped they'd think I was a member of the public wanting to sit in on a case. Once through security, we sat waiting for over 2 hours as the area filled with people. Some came alone, others in groups. Some sat quiet and looked scared - like us and others were chatty and upbeat. I wondered why some people were so relaxed about being in a place like this? I guess everyone has their own way of dealing with things and this was theirs. I only wished I could have appeared so upbeat and carefree.

Throughout he held my hand so tight that my fingers started to tingle due to poor blood circulation. I didn’t pull my hand away. I wanted to hold on to him too. Finally, it was our turn. As soon as I walked in I immediately looked to see if there was any press. Thankfully, I was sat alone in the public gallery. The judge talked but I couldn’t hear everything he said. He then mentioned some parts of the conversation my husband had had with the decoy and I saw my husband hang his head in shame and his body slump. He is a very tall and broad man but his shoulders were drooping and back slightly arched. He wasn’t tall or broad today. Today he felt small, ashamed and petrified. I really wanted to hug and comfort him and tell him I was here. Suddenly I had this urge to tell him I loved him. I hadn't said that in over 12 months. I didn't think he deserved to know but now I wanted to say it because I may not get the chance.

Conversations went on between the councils and I could see the judge getting irritated. I started to feel anxious. This was all going wrong for my him. I didn’t want an angry judge deciding on what sentence my husband should receive. I wanted a calm, experienced and kind judge who would base his decision on more than just the broken man who stood before him in the dock. I wanted today to start again.

I wish I’d wished for something else at that moment because the next thing I heard was the case was being adjourned due to magistrates sending the incorrect charge through. It was an admin error. A huge one at that. They had sent a charge that applies only if he had met with a real person and carried out a physical act. He wasn’t charged with that nor pleaded guilty to it so I couldn’t understand why this had happened but I kept telling myself; everything happens for a reason and there’s got to be one for this too. Only time will tell.

Our solicitor had told us that our charge was the lowest category but the magistrates clerk had recorded a guilty plea against something that didn’t even apply. Thankfully the judge and prosecution both agreed that this charge wasn’t appropriate so therefore couldn’t be decided on today. The judge being a part-time one felt he didn’t have the authority to override the admin error so we would have to go back to magistrate court again for another plea hearing and then back at crown court for sentencing in September.

I cannot put into words how that felt. Relief on one hand that he was still here with me as we talked out together (and I didn't have to worry about finding my way home) but also knowing that this horrid nightmare was not over yet.

It really is a strange feeling. It feels a bit surreal. Almost as if this isn't happening to me. Like I have a birds eye view of this happening to someone else. Is this what they mean by "out of body" experience? These weeks leading up to the Crown court will be a challenge again but there is no other alternative. As someone said; you just have to keep ploughing through this s**T until you come out the other side. The other side, I'm hoping, is where the light is.