Queen Elizabeths annus horribilis was 1992, mine was 2019.
There is a picture of me and my sister in London at the end of February. It was an unseasonably mild day and I took a selfie of us in front of the London Eye. I look happy and carefree with no inkling of how my life was going to change that year.
Dealing with a big project at work soon took its toll, I was caught up in the crossfire of senior managers who couldn’t make a decision and I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing. My senior manager was bullying myself and my line manager which was stressful. I’d started to get palpitations and was already going through an early menopause but delayed going to the GP. I was also starting to feel really tired but put it down to stress.
I eventually went to the doctors and after lots of tests had a devastating diagnosis. I had a problem with my heart and had developed heart failure. At the same time my brother had a stroke and my Dad was sick, it was touch and go for him but thankfully he pulled through. At the same time my line manager left due to the bullying and I felt trapped in my job as I was still having tests and didn’t know how much time off I might need with my condition.
At the end of November I was getting ready for work early one morning, OH had already left at 5 am as he had a long commute and as I finished up in the shower I heard voices outside and car doors slam. A knock at the door. Thinking it was my sister who was on her way to the airport and usually left any milk and perishables with me, I ran down with just a towel round me and wet hair wrapped in a towel on my head. I swung the door open and there was a man and woman on the doorstep. I must have looked a state and I was confused then they showed me a warrant card and asked if they could come in. He explained they were from the child sexual crimes unit and asked for my OH. My blood ran cold and my mind whirled as plain clothed officers searched the house. Trying to cling to normality I was thinking I was going to be late for work, I hoped the neighbours hadn’t noticed anything. I had to be accompanied to the bedroom to get dressed, I put on a top that I had bought from Monsoon and jeans, I never wore that top again.
As they collected up all devices they asked for my phone. I was waiting for a phone call from the hospital to have a device fitted for my heart and the detective agreed I could keep it. That was the only device we were left with along with my work lap top that I’d had that month. They had asked where OH worked, the type of car he had, calculating how long it would take for him to get home. His place of work was 50 miles away and it took forever for him to come home and all the time I sat there with all these officers in my house waiting for him.
I’d been with him 20 odd years and although our relationship wasn’t a bed or roses we had stuck together. I knew him better than he knew himself. When he walked in I could see the confusion in his face, they had taken him into the kitchen to tell him why they were there, I saw the look of horror and bewilderment and knew then that whatever had happened had not been deliberate.
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